It’s Never Just One Thing
As the old shed away in preparation for the new, it’s amazing to realize that nothing happens for just one reason. What I’ve thought was the cause of my ailments has turned out to be something different, yet related. Advancing in my recovery, I realize now why I’ve been scared without knowing. Apparently, I might have always had a sensitivity to energy but didn’t know it because my epilepsy started when I started to feel it. For twenty-four years, it was immediately related to seizures. For the last decade, it became a fear of seizures returning even though I didn’t believe it to be true. The more seizure-armor I drop, the more I must listen to my body and learn its communication. It was difficult deciphering the reactive thoughts and getting to know which perspective I was thinking from. I must pause after every reaction and make sure that I’m thinking as my present-self and not my past-self. For a while, head pains picked up every time I was with people. The more animated conversations became, the more my head would hurt. I tried to shut out the noise with noise-cancelling headphones, but my body would react to the energy. With or without the noise, I had to pay attention to my body reacting and feeling drained. Accepting this new knowledge, I’m able to stop associating with my past and work with the now. I can tell myself to be cautious without any old fear adding to the stress.
In adjusting to my body’s communication, some of my past motivation had to be dropped or adjusted. What used to drive me forward isn’t practical anymore and the memories of what used to be are now reminders of my effort for a full life when I was able. Just because it isn’t now doesn’t mean that it never was. I believe this is part of the balance of Life. I’ll never say that I never had a chance because I did, and now is my time to move on.
For me, what began as a stroke recovery turned into a grievance of my epilepsy-life and evolved into an understanding of what I’ve always been but didn’t know. Entering a crowd used to be about monotonous sounds triggering seizures but is now about energy triggering my nervous system. Despite what reality may be, I’m once again intrigued with the inter-weaving issues and how they’ve taught me something new about myself that has always been. Sometimes, I wonder what it would’ve been like if I knew from the beginning, but I believe I would’ve missed out on the experience, and I wouldn’t want that. What began as something I thought I knew has guided me to look at more to know myself. Life isn’t always what we think it is, it’s a continuous journey of learning that we can enjoy.
Photo By: Cory Woodward https://unsplash.com/@lil_bear_photo
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