I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

For most of my life, I fought to keep up with others, trying everything I could to fit the norm. I was taught that I had to know for myself and if I wanted a passage to outward understanding, I had better know the facts. Due to this demand for knowledge, I stayed quiet until I felt that I could present something that sparked the least controversy from my audience.  

Aside from what I’d say out loud, I tried my best to understand the signals of my body so that I could lessen the disruptions a seizure would cause. As much as I tried, this was how I learned that knowing doesn’t prevent life happenings. Try as I might with flawless planning and a willpower as strong as steel, there was nothing I could do to control when a seizure would strike. At first, I didn’t want to believe that there was no control, but life flowed more easily when I concluded that the situation just wasn’t meant to be. I found that admittance lessened my grip on results and heightened my curiosity to learn more. If ever I felt that life was against me, I’d defy the feeling by purposely facing a fear to grow more able. My lack of control with epilepsy led me to want to learn more and discover without expectations. 

When seizures were no longer a part of daily living, I thought that I could walk the path of knowing but little did I realize that life’s complexity is with me as it is for everyone else. Every time I chased what wasn’t for me some nerve would throw me off balance. Despite not preparing for disruption and having more control, I still couldn’t control life happenings. Admitting not knowing, dropping expectations and being patient with curiosity is still the best way for me to flow. As much as I could aim for big success as I’ve been taught, it’s too harrowing to pretend that I control life. I sense more by not pretending I know or have control. 

As much as I can imagine disappointing the teachers who have taught me, I’d rather live my life with no specific goal to prove, not knowing so I can learn more and listen to the subtle life messages that warm my heart. Whether it’s neurology, society or changes that I’m working with, I choose to have no idea so I’m open to gather more.